A year ago I tried starting this blog. It was frustrating from a technological standpoint. I have taken a stab here and there of getting it to function for me and then given up. (You can tell by my last post being in February, but I have made tries since then!) Part of me wonders if I’ve been overthinking it and it’s really worked all along, but I’ve been impatient and had expectations of how it “should” have worked. I’ll know more after I attempt to post this!

Hmm . . . me thinks that in that above paragraph is a metaphor for the living of this first year without Barry – this first year of widowhood. There may have been times when I tried to “get it to work” by anticipating certain feelings or preparing for particular “firsts” only to discover that they didn’t amount to much from an emotional standpoint. And then, when I least expected it – BAM! – the tears came for no apparent reason.

One of these I recall as the moment I received a lei while standing in line for the luau Gayle and I attended in October while in Maui. Why? But then while during the meal they celebrated those having anniversaries and it would have been our 31st, Gayle was ready to give comfort and it bounced off me like I was wearing armor. Grief is weird.

I’m mad that I didn’t get to process and share the first year. Maybe God intended me to keep all that private. Not to say that it didn’t get shared in sermons and conversations, etc. I’m glad and thankful for all of the support I’ve had this year. Humbled that people remembered and reached out to me on 12/1. Embarrassed that I’m not going to remember these significant dates for others.

And I wonder what comes next. The first year is done. No more “firsts” to anticipate. Grief that still shoots up unexpectedly. Dealing with new and different traumas in life. I believe we just keep moving forward. Gently holding what was with gratitude and embracing what comes next with a sense of awe and adventure.

It would be helpful to know if anyone is reading this. I think there’s a way for you to say so. But I’m still feeling this out, so what do I know?