I’m ready for this! Gifts are wrapped. Service of worship is prepared and I’m excited to lead it! Wes is coming home this afternoon and Kirstyn will be home tomorrow. How will it all be? Who knows. I have no preconceived notions of how this Christmas will feel and I’m okay with that. I’m sure there will come unsolicited tears and there will be laughter. There will be stories because at the start of Advent, we gave our kids instructions and means to reflect on our life together. I allowed Barry to write the prompts for them and when I read them, I thought, “Man, why is he being so serious? I would have gone a bit lighter (read: I would have done it right!) But now, I’m so ready to hear those serious reflections. Oh, Barry!
Why is everything so much harder? (That’s rhetorical, no one has to try to answer!) Making the bed is something I’ve done forever, but the other day, changing the sheets was the biggest chore in the world! Like my body struggled to tuck the sheets in! Sometimes we would change the sheets together, but often one of us would do it to bless the other. Ah. Maybe that’s part of it. The pleasure of doing for Barry is gone, now it’s just my own need. Hmm, gonna sit with that one for a bit.
In this season I’m learning what I need from my kids by what ISN’T happening. Through no fault of their own, we will not all be here on the same night. So no late night movie together and no breakfast together and I’ve discovered that causes me some grief. I need that. I need them. So I will communicate this with them and next time we gather we will arrange better overlap.
There are a lot of things I counted on Barry doing. God gave me two ten day opportunities over the past year to discover that some of those things I enjoyed doing myself. Laundry wasn’t one of them. But dishes I enjoy and I’m able to keep my counter clean and de-cluttered. This is bliss! As we go, we’ll see if this is permanent or if I am as guilty of cluttering my space as Barry was!
So, here I am. First Christmas as a Widow. No huge emotions. Maybe I’m still numb. Maybe I’m more excited about Barry’s gain than my loss. I’m looking forward to celebrating with my Romans tonight and tomorrow. I’m looking forward to sitting at my table with my kids and mother-in-law and hearing stories. I’m looking forward.